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Day To Day In The Life Of Me
What A Crazy World I Live In!!
What Did I Do Today? 
hehe... watching Never been kisssed and they just said that line... :)

Jake is looking out the window and he's been trying to break out the window ever since. And also Jasmine is running around the house and running into stuff cause there is no carpet for her nails to catch onto. :) It's fun having a day off.

Last night I went online to some different sites and I found a site that said stuff to help me stop smoking. Yes that's right ladies and gentlemen I smoke!!! bleh... but I am going to be quiting and soon. :) Next Sunday is my official quit day. I don't think Adam knows the day yet but he knows that I want to quit. But anywho I don't know why I decided to tell that.

Adam is going to get his promotion. YEAH!!! I'm very happy and excited for him. But there are some things that are bothering me. Well I guess a lot of things. Adam said the other night that he was feeling that I wan't happy and that he really wanted me to be happy and he felt that the only way that he could do that was if he turned down this job and he stayed here. That made me really upset because I would never want him to do that. I just want to know that he wants me. I want to go with him and I want to know that he wants me to go with him. I'm gonna miss him so much and I just don't know that he's gonna feel the same way about me. I know that he loves me. I know that he loves me with all of his heart. But it's just like he is scared or something. It's like he wants to ask me to go, like he doesn't want to loose me, like he just really wants to be with me but he's scared. It's weird. He's been acting like he wants to tell me something like he is hiding something from me and I don't know what it is.

He's been talking alot about his ex-wife. Almost everything that we do reminds him of his ex-wife. I mean he's talked a little about her before but not that much and it just seems like the past couple of weeks all he's been thinking about is his ex-wife. Steph told me that I should confront him about it and I think I'm going to. I just don't know what is going on.

I guess that's what all of this boils down to. I really don't know what is going on. There is something that is going on and he is really just not telling me what it is. I'm really upset because on the one hand it could be, "hey this isn't going to work we shouldn't try" or it's going to be "i really just want to stick to the plan that we had first come up with" (by the way that he came up with and I just agreed to because if it was the only way that i was going to be able to stay with him then i would do whatever he wanted) or it's going to be "i really just can't be apart from you and I want you to come with me." I just don't know.

I wish that someone could give me some advice. I can't continue to cry about it because I can't talk to Adam about this. I just can't continue to cry. But there is nothing else that I can do.

Man I need help.

Anyways... I hope all is well in lj world. I'll talk to everybody later!!

*Jess
It's raining it's raining!!!!! hehe... I love the rain!

So it's time for the update. I have a little bit to update on... but not to much! Hopefully this won't be to long for you to read. If you're gonna read it at all. :)

I don't really know where to start!! Adam had his interview for his manager position last Tuesday. Apparently it went really well! I'm so happy for him!! I can't quit crying though because of two reasons. I'm upset because he's leaving. I know that he means well but when I ask him about if he's ready or if he's gonna miss me it's always lets just enjoy the time that we have left. I've been here before. I know what that means. It means that we will see each other once or twice and then it will become well I can't come up there this weekend because I have work or you can't come down here this weekend because I'm gonna be at work all weekend. Then it's going to be I don't think this is working we shouldn't be together anymore. It seems like I love them and are with them to push them forward and then they leave me behind. And of course I can't bring this up to anyone because if I do then it's just well you're just worrying or reading to much into it and you're not really enjoying your time together. I don't really know what to do. But I do have these fears, that I'm really not that good for him and that he is looking for something else... but I know that for the most part these aren't true. But I really don't know what to do about the nagging feeling that I have about us not being together anymore. I had a dream before this was even an issue and I dreamed that he went down there and I was visiting him one weekend and I was in tears before I left and I was like I can't do this and I don't think this is going to work. I left in tears and (I haven't told him about this) but then he drove after me and begged me not to leave him and that he loved me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. I just don't think that's ever going to happen though. I don't want to tell him about all of this and add to his stress, but I also can't continue to cry myself to sleep every night and pretend that it's nothing when he asks me whats wrong. My dad thinks that I'm going with Adam down to Columbia and I just want to tell him no I'm not going and I'm probably never going!! :( Anywhos... I don't know what to do with the whole situation. Any advice is really welcomed!! :)

Now to good things. Well better things I guess. I found out some things the past couple of days. I just would like to say that some people are just assholes and thats all they will ever be. I just have never wanted to to hurt someone so much in all of my life. It was funny because there really is no reason for me to even want to have anything to do with some people... but never the less the anger is there. And I'm guessing it's for some very good reasons and I'm fully aware of what those reasons are. But anyways if anyone wants to do me a favor... just let me know!!! hehe.. just kididng.

Work is good, car is ok, cats and dogs are good. For the most part my life is rich and wonderful. If only these pesky little things would just go away. :) Things will work themselves out. I hope anyways!!! :) I love all ya! Be good and be careful!!

*Jess
27th-Sep-2005 11:55 pm - I pretend I'm burning bright.....
"I feel like there is no need for conversation... Some questions are better left without reason...

THERE'S NOTHING EVER WRONG... BUT NOTHING'S EVER RIGHT... SUCH A CRUEL CONTRADICTION...

I KNOW I CROSS THE LINE... IT'S NOT EASY TO DEFINE... THERE'S ALWAYS SOME NEW PATH I'M SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE WITH NO PARTICULAR RHYME OR REASON..."


Have you ever heard a song and realized that it was speaking right to you? I dunno if that's possible to believe that.... but I do.

Anywho.... I'm just sitting here tonight contemplating different things. Anyone have some lottery ticket they don't need.. or some rich relative that's about to die and they want to give me some money?!?! hehe.. I'm just kidding and if the second one is true.. well then I'm very sorry! :)

Well I got the car semi- fixed. It seems to be that no one really know's what's wrong with it... but they are all quick to give me the most expensive estimate that they can. Hopefully I will either get it fixed soon or win the lottery so that I can figure out some way to get out of my current situation. :)

Adam and I are doing well I guess. He seems to be a little on edge and I hate thinking that I keep upsetting him but that is sometimes the way that I feel. And the past two nights I have said and done some really stupid things that really have upset him. It makes me feel sad. But there is really nothing that I can do about it if he won't talk to me. It seems as though my mom likes him a little better now. He kind of upset me when he said something about that today. I know that he knows my mom doesn't really like him but I mean come on give her the benifit of the doubt and don't always think the negative! But I guess things are going well past that. I think he's really anxious to be getting this manager job. I hope that he does get it. I know that it will make him very happy and that's all that I really want for him!!

Mom leaves tomorrow. That means I'm all alone in my little house again! Well I guess I have the cats... so I could be working my way into the crazy cat lady!!! hehe... "All the children will run in front of my house and they will scream run! run away from the crazy man with the snake!!" Ok sorry Friends flashback!

TV still sucks... except for now there is really only one good channel. Good stuff! Or... Good times noodle salad! But yet again there is really nothing that I can do unless I win the lottery! So come on everyone... pray for me to win the lottery!!!! :) hehe...

Ok obviously I'm loosing my mind.. not that I had much of one to begin with, but whatever I did have I'm loosing it!! :) I hope that everyone and everything is ok for everyone. I miss all my friends that aren't close!! I love everyone one of ya'll as well!! Take care everyone!!

*Jess
23rd-Sep-2005 01:26 am - Have You Ever??
Time for the monthly update!! Hehe.. just kidding. However Jake did knock off my V on my keyboard so if I'm missing one or two... well just get over it.

:)

I guess it's time for a good update. Have you ever sat somewhere with a journal that you have written and read your past entries? Well I did that with my personal journal and then also with this journal. It's amazing to see how much you change and how much you grow. :) I guess it's a little awesome in a way too.

Adam and I got a new kitten. Her name is Jasmine. She is really precious and loves her big brother to death. She always will sit on my or Adam's chest and meow in our faces. How can you not love that?!?!? Well except for Jess cause she's alergic. Like right now she is in my lap trying to get some attention!! I have to comply with my boo boo!!

So to all of my friends who don't know... yes I actually did get over Jacob and I actually have a new boyfriend! I'm sure all of you thought I had gone off the deep end... in many ways I thought that I did myself. He is really great and wonderful to me. I know that sometimes we have our problems and we don't always see eye to eye, but he is great and he loves me!!! He is actually going tomorrow for an interview to become a manager with the OG... and hopefully it will go well. I'm gonna be thinking a lot of him and sending him some good luck thoughts!!!

If he does get this promotion he is probably going to be moving to Columbia. I'm not totally happy with the idea, but after much crying and much talking I realized that I just wanted him. If I have to be here or if I have to be anywhere... just so long as I have him I'm ok. I know that sounds a little wierd... but it's the way that I feel. I also know that it will be really good because we will get our time apart... and that's going to make the time together so much better!!! :) Anywhos... it's a really good thing for him and I hope that he gets it.

I'm a squishy!!! Jess just so you know... even though I'm sure that you've read it... I'm a squishy!!!


Well just so that I don't go into any negative things... I guess I should go. Plus I have to work a double tomorrow.... so I will post more later. I don't know yet if it's gonna be happy or sad... or a little of both!! But I do know that I love all ya'lls that is reading this!!!

*Jess
20th-Sep-2005 02:51 am - Journal #2
So yeah I know I just updated... but there are somethings that I have on my mind. Not that anyone reads this anyways... but I just wanted to write them down anyways. Maybe they will help me out... who knows.

I'm up this late because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I'm worrying about some things and I don't know what to do about any of them. I'm on here because I've realized that I suck at surfing the internet and these are really the only places that I know to go. Things are going well I guess... I really can't complain. Jessica and Lucas are doing really well. Well at least since he got back. Man I missed that boy. It's just amazing how much he and Matt can really make me laugh. I guess I really need to laugh lately. I'm procrastinating... don't even know if that's spelled right. I have to think about a subject that I really don't want to think about and because I can't think about it and worry about it it keeps me up.

My car is messing up again. I just got it fixed in January and spent like $2,000. Now I don't know what's wrong with it and I don't have the money to fix it.

Work is good. I just got to start doing to-go. I love it, and the extra money on my paycheck really helps.

Mom's in town. She's about to drive me crazy. Just another reason for me to want to ball my eyes out, curl up into a ball and die.

I have this empty feeling inside. It's because I know that for the second time that I'm gonna be heartbroken and both times there is nothing that I can do about it. Even if i pour my heart out and tell him everything he will still leave me. And I will still be alone. Why am I given this great gift if it's just taken away from me?

What I really want to do right now is to cry and rant and rave in front of someone but the only people that I could do that with that knows somewhat about what's going on have their own problems and are really to preoccupied to talk to me about mine. Except for I think that I just thought of one person that I might could talk to. But I don't know if he would want to let me just sit there and cry. I guess I would just have to see. But it's perfect because he's a guy and he knows us both.

I'm writing a letter. I told myself that I would never write another letter after the last fiasco... but it's the only way that I can get all of my thoughts out and cry and ramble... it's just not fair cause then I can't have someone hold me and tell me that it's gonna be ok.

What do I do? I wish that I could just snap my fingers and things would be ok. But who's to say what's ok? "Yes well we must never feel sorry for ourselves. No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse." And unfortunatly I know that's true.

*Jess
20th-Sep-2005 02:10 am - Question
How do you begin to let the one person who you love and who means more to you then anything in the world that you feel that way? And why doesn't he feel the same way?

*Jess
30th-Mar-2005 02:25 pm - What Does That Mean Buddha??
So yeah more down stuff today... at least I think so. :)
But since it's going to be down and probably long, I'm going to do a lj cut!!
DownCollapse )
So that's a look into the darkness that is my life. Sorry if it brought you down as well. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if anyone even reads this journal. Well I gotta jet now. But I love everyone... even if I c ain't love myself. :)

*Jess
So it's been a long time. It seems as though I've gone to hell and back... and now it seems like I'm on my way there again. I have so much to say, and yet I don't even know what to say. Do I not trust people? I mean the ones who are really close to me? I feel like I've done some stupid things and have lost some really good friends this week. Which is horrible because it's my birthday week. I feel like people are going on about their lives without me... and I'm just sitting here doing nothing. Crying myself to sleep. Why does everything always have to be my fault? Why am I so fucking screwed up? Does anyone still love me or want to be around me anymore?

*Jess
13th-Jan-2005 05:01 pm - The One With The Update
tee hee... I know I'm a dork, but I love my subject line. So shoot me!!! :)

So it's time for an update... Into the rabit hole we go...

Not a lot has changed since my last update. Well... I guess that's not entirely true... some things have changed. I am feeling a little better about my situation. Not everyone knows what I'm talking about, and not everyone really cares so I'm not going to write in here what I mean. The people closest to me will either know or care enough to ask.

Ashley and Ian are back together. Alma and Van are engaged. I'm sooo happy for my friends. It truly gives me hope for my own situation (see above paragraph). I can't even start to explain my elation for my friends. I'm happy that they are happy. I just can't wait until I see Ashley and Alma so that I can tell them in person how happy I am for them.

Things at TCT are going ok. I still have to apply for instate... I'll go into detail about that later. It's a big mess. Things at work are going good. I'm about to leave and go for training. Woohoo. But it should be fun.

Well I gotta go. I'll update even more later... I think. So to all... Bye!

*Jess
Hello all. Just a quick update. I don't really know where to begin, but I guess I gotta start somewhere.

I'm here in SC now. I'm happy because I'm back, but I miss all of my friends in DC terribly. Not much I can do about that though.

I'm enrolled in TCT. It's going to be VERY annoying, but the things I do to get into Clemson. :) I'm excited cause this time next year I'll be in Clemson. I just know I won't like TCT though. Everything that I did Wednesday was annoying. The entire day was a giant inconvience. But it's just something I have to do. I also got a new job. Still working in a resteraunt. I'm excited about starting. It will help get my mind off of things.

Learned some things recently that made me sad. There's not really much I can do about these things, but it still makes me want to help, and I can't really do that. I just want to hug something and make it feel better. Well I can't do that, and the only thing that I can hug is Jake and he's mad at me right now cause he thinks I'm ignoring him. :) Animals right?? ( For those who don't know Jake is my cat. I think I've talked about him in here before.)

Kind of down right now. I don't really know why.. and I don't really know what to do about it. Wow this entry really sucked.

*Jess
14th-Dec-2004 02:38 pm - One More I Promise!
01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
05. Describe me in one word.
06. What was your first impression upon meeting me?
07. Do you still think that way about me now?
08. What reminds you of me?
09. If you could give me anything what would it be?
10. How well do you know me?
11. How well do you WANT to know me?
12. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
13. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?


Post... post away!! :)


You Are a Retrospective Soul





The most misunderstood of all the soul signs.
Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are.
You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life.
You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor.

Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily.
But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes.
For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present.
You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul






You Are the Individualist



4




You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.




But my lucky number is still eight!



JESSICABLAIRCARVER
J is for Joyful
E is for Edgy
S is for Scary
S is for Striking
I is for Ideal
C is for Cultured
A is for Amorous
B is for Bright
L is for Lovesick
A is for Amorous
I is for Important
R is for Radiant
C is for Captivating
A is for Amazing
R is for Rebellious
V is for Visionary
E is for Edgy
R is for Rare






You Are "Wow"!

John Kerry







Ok I think that's all I could have done. C-Ya!!

*Jess
14th-Dec-2004 01:39 pm - I follow the night....

So it's been a while. This I do understand. But- as one of my Clyde's friends put it_ Clyde's consumes your life. Which unfortunatly is soo true. I've been basically doing nothing but working, working and fighting with my parents. I didn't go back to school this semester, which most of my friends that are reading this I'm sure already know. I'm still not sure if I made the right decision or not. But I'm coming back to SC. That much I know. What I'm going to do in between now and next year... that still is uncertan.

Have you ever had a feeling that was so strong, that it gave you an idea of what your purpose in life was? Well I had such a feeling today. The only thing is that I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with it. I tell you one thing, it's not something that my parents would have seen me doing. And it's not really somthing that I myself would have seen me doing. I don't know what to do.

Well I got an email from Jacob. Finally after almost two and a half months, he writes me. I guess I shouldn't be that upset though. He does have more important things to worry about then me. But he wasn't to happy with me. In my defense though it wasn't totally my fault. I haven't been able to get to a computer, not to mention the fact that ours is broken. Or well was. We didn't even have it for at least three weeks. It still is messed up now. And now, I can't even send an email or even get my aim to work. I don't know what the problem is. I guess I will never figure it out. But we shall see.

Other then that, I have some good news. I have decided to go to Clemson next year. I'm sooo excited!!! I can't wait! And for all you Converse peeps, now I really will have a reason for all of my Clemson stuff. I told Frank (a guy I work with) and he started laughing and when I asked him why he said that it fit me and that he was really happy for me. I hope that's somewhat of a good sign. I also just got a cat. His name is Jake, and he is an orange tabby. I love him to death. :) Even though he is a little dork. It shall be intereseting to see how he and Neiko get along. I named him after Jake Delhomme my favorite NFL player-and a little after Jacob too.

Brian you never called me back. Hope I didn't piss you off or anything. And I need Lindsey's phone number please!! :)

I'm coming home somtime. I told work my last day would be Christmas Eve and now my parents want me to put it in as the 23rd. I mean it's only one day, but still that really sucks that after I told my parents my plan then they come back and go... oh yeah by the way you should have told them the 23rd. So I don't know what I'm going to do. We shall see.

I shall miss everyone at work. But I am sooo excited to be going home. And to be going to Clemson. It's going to be great. Now if everything else in my life will work itself out, I will be a pretty happy lady.

Well I gotta go now, cause I gotta go do a lot of stuff before I go to work. I love you all though!! :)

 

*Jess

4th-Jun-2004 08:46 pm - Wow... yeah just wow... :)
So yeah, I haven't written in here in forever. Not that anyone reads this anyways.. but whatever. :)

Just a quick update cause I'm exausted and I don't really feel like sitting at a computer for that long. Even though right now, I've been sitting at the comp for about two hours... it's ok. :)

I got a new job. It's fun and wonderful. I love everyone there. :) Big smiles. :D

Ok yeah that's all for now cause my mom is breathing down my neck... whatever. She's pissed about something and I don't know why.

So yeah... more later. I'm out!

*Jess
26th-Apr-2004 02:08 pm - Update
Well this is my update... yeah...

:)

I'm in DC now... so if anyone needs me call me on the cell. Not much that I can do about it... but you can still reach me. I will be here until about June and then I'll be coming back. I'm going to be going to school, doing an internship, and trying to be a waitress. :) We'll see how that goes.

Well thats all for now. Talk to you kiddies later!! :)

*Jess
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